


Say My Name

by Aryagraceling



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mentioned Breakup, post-mission sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 01:05:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15570363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: Kakashi reaches his breaking point.





	Say My Name

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea for a while now, ANBU Kakashi being unable to handle the two sides of himself and managing to separate them into two identities. So here we are, he's at the end of a mission where he hasn't heard his name for weeks and he's forgetting how to be human.

My walls are crumbling. The bricks that hold back the man I was are falling, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. As I yank my kunai out of the last Iwa nin’s neck, her blood spreads across the snow and into my head, eroding the barriers with waves of crimson. My knees hit the ground and I can’t breathe, can’t find the strength to suck in oxygen as the carefully constructed maze in my head collapses. 

I don't bother with their bodies. Don’t read their rites, don’t burn them because I can’t. I need to retreat to safety,  _ solace,  _ and rebuild before I’m caught alone in the cold. I can’t be caught with the walls down because nothing will stop me from spilling Konoha’s secrets. 

_ Compartmentalize. _

__ There is only the Hound now. Only the ANBU. The man he used to be doesn’t matter and I need to banish him to where he belongs. He threatens to rise up and consume me as I strip my blood-soaked armor, splashing water from the frozen river across my arms. Hound knows it’s a bad idea.  _ He  _ insists it’ll make me human.

In my adrenaline-addled state, I can’t argue. I wash seven people’s lives from my arms and shudder as my skin grows waxy with the cold. There’s a cave across the field I need to get to, my home for the last month and a half. 

_ Home _ .

The concept is a joke. An ANBU doesn’t need a home. The Hound doesn’t need a hearth to sit by. 

_ But you want one,  _ the other man whispers. I  _ want one.  _

No. I don’t. My teeth chatter as I stand, joints screaming in protest when I take my armor and begin to walk. Each step is too much and I curse the fact I didn’t think enough to take a soldier pill before setting out for the day. Hound knows better. I’ve barely slept in two weeks and food has been an afterthought. It was stupid to forget.

So fucking stupid.

Like  _ him.  _ The one I need to forget. The one whose whispers haunt me. The one who fucked up and lost a partner because he was too stupid to be able to reconcile his two identities. 

Being the Hound is easier. The ANBU is cold and calculating without any of the pain, happiness, and love the other man feels. I can’t say his name. Not in the field, not when it’ll make him real. Draw him further into the light. I can’t say--

_ Kakashi. _

__ “Stop.”

My voice grates over the stone as I drop my armor in a pile and barely manage to form the seals to summon Bull. He appears with concern in his eyes and muttered admonishments on his lips. I hang my head and shiver against the wall before ordering him to find firewood. It’s cold enough I’ll die without one.

_ Wouldn’t have to worry anymore. _

Hound doesn’t worry. There are three things the Hound does not do. He doesn’t worry, he doesn’t feel, and he doesn’t beg. Kakashi wants to beg. He wants to go back to Konoha and fall at Tenzo’s feet to cry for forgiveness, show him that he’s worth it.

I won’t let him.

I won’t say his name again.

Three things the Hound  _ does  _ do are take, manipulate, and slaughter. I focus on those, the sense of accomplishment after a completed mission, and light the fire Bull’s helped me create. My breath comes out in clouds as I fold myself into his body, trying to find the strength to dig through my pack for a pill. Bull tells me I shouldn’t and I ignore him. I need to get back to Konoha.

_ Need to get back to him. _

I shake away the intrusive thought and curl tighter, snarling as another takes its place. What  _ he  _ wants. What Kakashi wants. What Kakashi wants doesn’t matter. The only thing that does is surviving to serve another day. What  _ matters  _ is being the perfect soldier. 

_ Like Dad always said. _

__ Bull’s head snaps up as I bark out a laugh, sneering at Kakashi’s pathetic need to hold onto his past. Fuck what Kakashi wants. Fuck what he needs. The Hound is what I need to focus on. Rebuilding the walls and putting the other me back behind bars. 

_ That’s why he told you to leave,  _ Kakashi whispers to me. 

Tenzo doesn’t matter either, and I tell myself the pain spreading through my body is  _ solely  _ the blood rushing back into frozen tissue. The Hound wouldn’t let something as petty as heartbreak distract him from a mission. He wouldn't let it get in the way of making himself invulnerable once more.

Every inch of me shakes as I thaw. I focus on that to help myself lay the foundation for the walls once again. They’re slow to come up and as pathetically flimsy as Tenzo’s reasons for leaving. I shove the memory of him telling me I’m dangerous and uncaring behind them and begin rectifying the damage Kakashi’s thoughts have done to the Hound. 

Bull’s heartbeat is steady in my ear as I categorize and discard every thought outside the mission and what matters. Pins and needles tear through the delicate skin of my extremities and when I let out a string of obscenities that would make even Genma blush, he puts his head over my shoulder and asks if I’m okay.

I stare silently ahead and he sighs. He knows. Shinobi hounds. We’re both the same. Animals for Konoha’s use. The only differences between us is he has four legs and I’m better with a weapon.

Outside, the sun slips below the horizon and plunges the world into darkness. I do my best to stay awake because with as thin as my walls are at this moment, dreams will be my undoing. Kakashi will fall into place again and Tenzo can haunt him. My head falls back to Bull’s warm side and I close my eyes, just for one second--

I wake to a soft caress sliding down my hip, Tenzo’s voice in my ear.  _ Kakashi’s  _ ear. He whispers love and loss and lust powerful enough to wreck me and send the Hound spiraling into the lake of blood simmering just below Kakashi’s consciousness. 

I hate it.

Hate him.

Hate the way I loved him. The way Kakashi loved him. 

Hate the way he reminded the Hound of who he was supposed to be without that stupid fucking mask. As his ghostly hands reach to pull me out of the crimson flood, I hate the fact that he isn’t with me and for the seventh fucking week in a row, the Hound bolts awake and alone in the darkness. 

_ Kakashi.  _ Tenzo’s whisper thunders through my head and I clamp my hands over my ears, needing to banish him along with everything else from my other life. Bull wordlessly pushes my pack toward me and the soldier pill bursts on my tongue, renewed life surging through me.

The Hound yanks his armor on and beckons Bull up. The ANBU in him doesn’t care it’s the middle of the night. He doesn’t care his chakra levels are sorely depleted and he doesn’t care the wind is blowing six ways from Sunday, because all that matters is getting back to the village. Getting back to sanity.

My walls are thin as paper as the veil of sleep lifts and I see Tenzo smile through, that little smile that I--no,  _ Kakashi-- _ adores so much. But the Hound can’t. He can’t love, can’t adore the way Tenzo needs and wants him to. It’s why he left. 

Once again I snarl and grit my teeth as I shove Kakashi’s life away. Shove his feelings so deep inside not even the Yamanakas would be able to find them. Snow crunches under my boots as I wrap my bloody cloak tighter and move quickly in the moonlight. Bull marches beside me as the cold numbs me from the inside out, freezing everything keeping the walls from toppling again.

The wall that encloses my childhood falls first. A distorted image of my mother appears, warped by time and pain. There’s my father smiling kindly on me when I made chunin, immediately washed away by his blood spreading across the floor of my childhood home. Like the Iwa nin’s blood, it crumbles the wall that holds my first team. I watch it cover Obito, then Rin, then Sensei, and when the tide finally stems, it laps at the base of the memorial stone where I see Kakashi embracing Tenzo.

I watch as the man I once was does  _ everything  _ I can’t. I watch him go from clueless to so deep in love it melts him. I watch him get up and do it all again before being convinced to slip into the Hound and never come down. As I watch the trail of carnage the Hound leaves I shudder, the cold seeping deep into my core. 

But  _ I  _ am the Hound.

I am inhuman.

I am a soldier and nothing else as I trek into the sunrise, warring with Kakashi wanting to rise up and take over. The Hound snarls and Kakashi rears his head in disgust at the animal inside of him. Kakashi reaches out of the dark and the Hound clenches his fist, digging his nails into his palm with the hope the pain will distract him. 

I try to lose myself in the role of attentive ANBU, but all it takes is me stumbling and my knees cracking against the ground to shock the Hound into pathetic submission. He fades away and Kakashi slips into the forefront of my mind, left alone to face what the Hound’s done.

It’s too much.

I can’t stay apart anymore, can’t distance myself from the man dying slowly inside of me, and I sink back on my heels, a silent sob wrenching its way out my throat. Bull walks to my side as I cast aside the fucking mask that’s ruined my life. This is what they warned about. Breakdown. Inability to reconcile the monster and man. 

“I need another mission,” I say. My lip quivers as I mentally scrabble for purchase, clutching at the last vestiges of the Hound slipping away. “Need to get back again. Be useful.” Bull nudges at my hand and I grab onto him and stand. I cough and stumble forward, hanging so tight he growls. “I’m sorry, Bull. I’m so sorry.” 

The wind freezes the single tear on my cheek as I catch sight of the main road to Konoha. It’s stupid, crying. Makes no sense. It makes no sense and neither does anything else as I struggle with reality. 

“Boss, you need help,” Bull says. “You’re outside the village and losing it. Who are you?”

“Kakashi…”

“No, you’re the fucking Hound out here,” he growls. “Pull yourself together.”

I choke back another sob and press my palm to my aching forehead as I try to dredge up anything left of Hound. I try the entire way back to Konoha and  _ fail.  _ I’m only the pathetic man needing human contact and a month’s worth of sleep.  _ Weak.  _ Kakashi is weak. It’s been almost seven weeks since he’s been allowed into the light and all he can do is dissolve into a pile of tears. 

Outside the gate I put the mask back on to hide my bloodshot eyes and hope my nasally voice can be attributed to the cold. I hold my head high and cloak tight as the gate nin wave me through. Bull vanishes when I promise him I’ll be fine. I’m lying. I won’t be. I don’t know who I am anymore--man or monster. Human or Hound. I don’t know and before I can stop them, my feet carry me to Tenzo’s house nestled in the woods. Nothing makes sense except the  _ pain  _ as I slump against his door, sobbing.

The fact that he’s home and awake is nothing short of a miracle and when he opens the door, I stagger forward to grab his shirt with both hands. “Say my name,” I beg as I fall into him. “Please, I--it’s been so long--”

Seven weeks without significant human contact.

“I don’t--can’t remember, Tenzo. I don’t know what’s fucking real.” I clutch at him and he hisses as the cold starts to hit him. “I know we--I didn’t want--I--just--please,” I say, unable to articulate the  _ need  _ I’m feeling. “I don’t know who I am.”

He silently pulls me inside and bends to unlace my boots as I sink into the wall. I want him to say something,  _ anything,  _ and I say so. He methodically undoes clasps and laces and buckles until I’m nothing but a mess next to a pile of armor. “Just fucking say it,” I say, loathing the way my voice breaks. “I don’t know. I need to remember. Make it real, Tenzo.”

He stays quiet as he leads me down the hall to the bathroom and leaves me to stand on my own while he draws a bath. It’s a mistake, because anger starts to seep in. “You’re always so quiet,” I hiss. “Why can’t you tell me?” Hound feeds on the anger. Kakashi runs from it. As fucked up as I am right now, I can’t tell who’s winning. I can’t tell, and I can’t tell who I am, and it’s killing me quicker than a sword through my gut.

I moan, and he finally speaks. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know.” I can barely muster the strength to keep standing as he strips me and directs me into water that burns hotter than Hound’s rage. “I don’t fucking know. I just want it to be okay.” I need him to say it. Need him to help me. “Why?” I ask.

“Why what, Kakashi?”

There it is.

There’s the fucking name.

It’s not Hound, not Hatake, not any pet name, but  _ my  _ name. Kakashi. The three syllables wash over my and I slump forward, unable to stop the keening cry that rips from my chest. “Say it again,” I whimper, clutching onto his arm. “Tenzo please, say it.”

“Kami, you’re in bad shape,” he says. “What’s wrong with you?”

“The walls,” I say. “They broke and I broke and I just don’t know anymore.” There is nothing to hide behind as I sit there, naked and exposed and  _ raw,  _ staring up at him. “I broke.” I hold up my hands and they're shaking, redness spreading through the thawing fingers like the blood spread through my memories.  _ “I  _ broke.”

“Kakashi,” he says again, and I cling to it. I cling to the sound of love and hope and  _ him  _ until I’m stupid with it, falling into the depths of his eyes as he whispers identity back into me. I can hear him mirror my brokenness as he whispers, “You’re Kakashi, you’re here, and you’re safe. Most of all you’re mine, and I’m not leaving again.”

He sits with me until my shuddering subsides and I’m some semblance of human once more, his hand heavy on my shoulder to ground me against the storm. He knows. He always knows. He knows when to stay still, when to be in my face, and when I need to be taken care of. He always knows.

And right now I need  _ him.  _

I need him to take me and make me his again, replace the Hound with someone who’s loved. Someone who’s adored, respected-- _ whole.  _ I need him to take everything else away. All the voices, all the noise, everything until only he and I are left in the world.

He pulls me up against him, getting his clothes all wet, before he retrieves one of his huge towels to wrap around me. I slump back and he lets it happen. He knows. The water’s grown tepid and I shiver while I bend to drain it, accidentally dipping the corners of the towel in. “Tenzo, I--” I don’t have any other words, just need to say his name. Need to tell him I--

“--love you,” he murmurs. “I love you, Kakashi.” He helps me out and I collapse on the bed, still cold as he tucks me below thick blankets. My brow furrows when I catch sight of him reaching for me, staring at me with those wide eyes.

“Say it again,” I whisper hoarsely.

He sits next to me and rests a hand on my shoulder. “I love you.”

“Can you--” I close my eyes and slip a hand below his shirt, tugging at it. “I want you.”

He takes off the shirt but continues to stare. “Is this what you need right now?”

“Yes.” I need it. Need him, all of him. Need him to use me and fill me until I forget the Hound and remember what it’s like to be whole. “Yes,” I say. “Please.” 

He strips the rest of the way and I hate the needy whine I let out at the sight of his cock swinging heavy between his legs. He’s fucking beautiful, every part of him. Every inch of pale skin flowing over lean muscle is a work of art I haven’t fully appreciated until now. “Tenzo.”

He pulls back the blankets and I freeze as the outside air hits my body. It only lasts for a second before he’s laying down beside me, gathering me in his arms and surrounding me with  _ him.  _ He tangles our legs together and tucks my head under his chin. I can feel him growing against my thigh and I’m not far behind. “Save me,” I whisper, kissing his chest. “Take it all away.”

“I will,” he promises. He lets me explore for a bit before pressing me onto my back and kissing me so thoroughly it’s almost as if  _ he  _ forgets who he is. “I always will.” He uses a knee to separate my thighs and presses down on me as I groan into his mouth at the friction. 

“I need you,” I say quietly. “I love you.”

“I know.” I feel his forehead crease against mine as he holds my face in both hands and just  _ breathes.  _ “I know, Kakashi. Stay here with me.”

I wind one hand into his hair and gently move our lips together, the other tracking whisper-light touches down his back as sunlight shines in through the window. He anchors me.

His fingers are cool as they ease into me, opening me with slow, practiced movements. He listens attentively to my whines and begging for more until he slips out of me and leans up to kiss me. “You’re mine,” he says. “Never forget that.” The sting of his teeth worrying my shoulder distracts me from the sting of his cock entering me and I bury my face in his neck. Tears slide sluggishly down my cheeks again as he starts to move.

I cling tightly, heels digging into the back of his thighs as he  _ worships  _ me. His words of comfort turn to sharp pants just before he tells me to come for him and I do, arching into him as I spill across my stomach. His eyes are everything watching me--kind, loving, downright  _ sinful  _ as he pushes me to the point of overstimulation before coming with my name on his lips.

This is the place I come in dreams. It’s a quiet place filled with nothing but him and I and silence.  _ Peace,  _ finally, caressing every part of me. His tongue slips out to take away the lingering tears before placing a kiss over each of my eyes, running his lips over my scar. “Do you remember? Tell me,” he says. “Tell me who you are.” He moves his mouth to my jaw as I nod, and we speak in sync.

“I am--”

“You are--”

_ “Kakashi.” _

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
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